| I miss |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|12:29 pm] |
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my kitty. |
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| What next? |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|10:03 am] |
RIP Jinxter
04/20/2001 - 08/15/2006
Im used to sacrifice...
Lovers come and go,
as do pets, family and friends.
Jobs may be hard to find,
and sometimes even harder to keep.
And dependant on your income,
money can almost be non existant
as you try to get through life
with money you dont have.
The other day was rough, really rough.
But I know it can always be worse.
My kitty had a tendency to get spooked
easily, and im sure a lot of his personality
had to do with the fact that he was a
stray and more than likely a bit feral.
He had attacked me twice before after
being spooked as well as my stepdad
and Haley's dad, but never Haley...
...until the other night.
Long story short, we had made a concious
decision after his last attack on me that
we would try and make the best out of things
to try and adjust, but if he attacked again
then we would have no choice to resolve
the situation....
So after being awoken by blood curdling screams
in the middle of the night and seeing my best
friend covered in blood with a look of intense fear
on her face, I knew exactly what was happening
because I had experienced it twice before.
But I think she got the worst of it...
Needless to say, after all of our attempts to
make the best out of a bad situation, we had
to make a decision to relieve him of his pain.
It was a hard call to make, but it was the best
for all of us.
Now he can rest peacefully without being
tormented in his little kitty head, and I dont
have to walk around in fear while feeling
misunderstood and teased that I was attacked
by "just a cat."
But now there is even more evidence that
sometimes what I say is not exaggerated.
I wish I had more "proof" to explain more
of these torments that haunt my life. There
are so many scars and wounds that still have
yet to heal, and sometimes I wonder if they
ever will. Other times I realize these open
wounds are re-infected with a new disease, and
I blindly allow the virus to invade my world.
I am working on that...
...but in the end I know that sacrifice is important
when moving forward. In order to gain something,
you have to be willing to make a sacrifice. At times
the lines may get crossed when trying to define what
it is that you want. You may have to sacrifice what
you already have in order to reach for what you really
want, and sometimes that can be very hard to cope with.
So I know a little something about "sacrifice", and this
was just another chapter in my unpublished Bible of life.
I hope you all take a close look at what you have, and
realize that what you may additionally "want" could infact
effect what you already "have". So unless you are ready to
make a sacrifice, I suggest you cherish what you have
because it may not be there tomorrow.
And even if it doesn't "cherish" you back, just know that
you are a better person for being aware of it and trying
to adapt while preparing yourself to accept the outcome...
...whatever that may be.
I am overly prepared at times, and I think maybe that
is my "gift". I knew this day would come, and so I prepared.
I've done it with ex girlfriends, past jobs, and even simple
little things that I was suspicious about...
... but i'm just so blinded by the sacrifices that it's heard
to see the accomplishments.
I am a Phoenix arisen. I burn to the ground every 500 days,
but from beneath the ashes a new life is born and ready to
explore this concrete desert.
Believe it. |
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| Oh yeah... |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|09:34 am] |
I have a heart condition.
I've been in and out of the doctors of the past few weeks testing my heart, and come to find that there is a reason for all of my episodes. What I mean by that is if you know me, i've been known to pass out for no reason over the years, and it's actually been an ongoing thing since childhood, but moreso in my adult years.
Anywho, i've had issues with heart palpitations for the past few years, and sometimes it felt like it was skipping a beat. Well I just found out last week that I have a condition with one of my valves that doesn't function properly. So when my heart is beating normal, at any given time it can accellerate by almost a third instantly, last a fraction of a second, and then go back to a normal beat. Kinda like a TURBO BOOST of beats.
It's nothing to be TOO concerned about they say. They gave me heart medication that I guess I have to be on for the rest of my life, but I dunno...
Im so flustered with health issues that this is just one of several that I know will be my demise. So I must enjoy life as much as I can, and I intend to. |
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| Im rarely here these daze... |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|11:13 am] |
cause im over at MySpace now.
www.myspace.com/ralski
My profile has been updated, and here it be for your reading pleasure:
I am an exotic blend of "good guy" meets "bad boy". I've been around the block a few times leading a very diverse lifestyle, and so I can blend into pretty much any situation. But I am also very particular about how I spend my time. I am a demon to some and an angel to others all rolled up into one complex individual.
I am a musician (drummer) first and foremost, and you will always see or hear me drumming on something because I need music around me wherever I go. Also, I am currently in the process of finalizing my personal business plan. I figured I might as well include all of the things I’ve grown passionate about including writing, music, visual arts and cognitive thinking. Check out more at http://www.totalmhre.com.
Philosophy is more appealing to me than Psychology, and structured education is not as rewarding as "hands on" experience. I enjoy delving into the world of like-minds, be it chaotic or serene. My goal is to maintain a happy and peaceful state of mind, yet be aware and cautious of the evils around me. I can not be persuaded to join a life in which I was already born, so for those who have a need to tap into the darkness, I seek refuge in the light, the simple pleasures...
I'm not much of a party animal anymore, but I do know how to have fun. If the time is right, it will always be a night to remember. I am not a follower, nor am I a leader. I like to think of myself as a guide for others. Through these streets that I've ventured upon, my words are merely fragments of my reality. If others can get something out of it, the ripple effect takes place and the message gets across. My reality is not reality...
I enjoy sharing thoughts and ideas, and a common ground is worth building upon. Anything else is of a lesser priority and I am learning to adjust myself accordingly. I can get easily sidetracked, so trust is always an issue. And although I try to be cautious and observant, my compassionate nature always gets the better of me. Hence why I am a skittish pup with a powerful bite. Beware the fury of a patient man...
My life has been interesting to say the least, and fulfilling at the same time. Some may wonder why this world relies on meds for depression, anxiety and stress. It's because this world is in disarray. I am a perfect example of a survivor, yet man made chemicals for a man made disease does not offer me a solution or cure. Therefore, I fight through the chaos with a sharp mind and a witty tongue. I am determined and honest to my cause, something which seems dormant in today's world. If anything, some of my views are a target to be silenced. Not everyone will understand the flurry of riddled words, but those who attempt to translate the abstract have already showed more character than most.
Some have considered me a "nice guy" while several of those same people have tried to test my boundaries despite my heeded warnings. Many have fallen into the abyss of memories lost, while others have witnessed my journey from their perspective. Those are the stories I find most intriguing, and the one's I call my "friends".
As I stated before, my words are just a fragment of my own experiences, and to most I am very "interesting". To me, life is about taking chances, experiencing both good and bad, and challenging yourself to face obstacles while having fun with the madness rather than hide from it. There is a fine line between good and bad, and I live on that line.
The struggle is the glory. |
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| Privacy |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|10:42 am] |
I think it is time.
*Friends Only***
for 2006
If you want to read my journal, leave a message here. |
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| (NIN) Nothing Is New... |
[Dec. 28th, 2005|12:15 pm] |
"I'm becoming less defined
as days go by
Fading away
Well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract
in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes
I think I can see
right through myself
Less concerned
about fitting into the world
Your world that is...
Because it doesn't really matter
None of this really matters anymore.
Yes I'm alone
but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
you never were really real to begin with
I just made you up
to hurt myself.
And it worked.
Yes it did!
There is no you
There is only me.
There is no you
There is only me.
There is no fucking you,
There is only me!
Only...
The tiniest little dot caught my eye
and it turned out to be scab
and I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it was something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone,
picking at that scab
Was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through...
Now I am somehwere I am not supposed to be,
and I can see things I knew
I really shouldn't see
And now I know why
(yea now I know why)
Things aren't as pretty
on the inside...
There is no you
There is only me!" ~ Rez |
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| Who understands "loss"? |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|05:37 pm] |
I do.
We mourn the loss of a loved one, and in their death we feel a sadness and sometimes even regret. We tell ourselves "Maybe we didn't spend enough time with them or pay attention to them as much as we could have. Maybe we didn't treat them as they should have been treated..."
Then there's the loss of a pet. The bond with a pet is more unconditional, so the loss can sometimes seem even greater than the loss of a loved one. Their devoted admiration even when you might have neglected them makes your mind soars with memories and fond moments that can not be shared or relived again with your bestest four legged friend.
Then there is heartbreak. Some say they can not live without their loved one, and the thought of them being with someone else is devastating. The difference here is that there is no death involved, just a decision that leads one to abandon the other. One is left with a journey to fulfill, while the other is left with only a memory.
Have you ever been fired? Even the loss of a job can be a tough thing to overcome, especially if it leaves a negative mark on your employee record. If the circumstances were unjust or you were treated unfairly, even an explanation to a prospective employer could sound like an invalid excuse. Imagine what it feels like in a relationship?
Someone who has been physically abused has their physical being torn apart from them, and those who have been shot at or held up at knife point just because someone thought their life is not worth anything suffer for the rest of their lives with a loss of trust or identity. These things happen on a day to day basis, and most go unheard of as the corporate puppeteers dance to the tune of money and greed.
Where is the compassion?
Where is the courtship or the long time invested in believing in someones ability, and what is the value of life and where is the understanding that pain comes in many forms? Where is the loyalty to one another as human beings, or the determination to overcome all obstacles and make a better life for each other? Where is the hope?
Is all hope lost?
I understand loss... |
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| I am |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|04:53 pm] |
just way too nice,
way too caring,
and way too gullible.
I must be more selective,
more selfish,
and not settle for less.
Another resolution to conquer...
aye. |
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| Epiphany after Epiphany... |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|06:00 am] |
and I have several choices to choose from.
This year I choose the most drastic of all......
After over 20 years, I must quit smoking cigarettes.
I must also quit being so anti-social,
try to accept people for who they are,
stop thinking that everyone is out to get me,
be more tolerant of the distracting things,
budget my time and money better,
open my mind and eyes to different things,
accept the fact that my health has improved,
accept the fact that other parts of my health will improve soon,
try to understand other people's needs more,
and quit being so down on myself.
All the rest like
being motivated,
determination,
being loving and caring,
being strong,
being thoughtful,
thriving on laughter,
staying creative
and generally trying to be a good person....
those things come naturally.
Maybe,
just maybe then
I can have some peace of mind
and make a solid connection.
The door has been opened again,
and I have another chance to venture...
for that I am grateful
and I will not risk losing my opportunity.
I've lost too many times,
and now it's time to grow. |
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| I think I know now... |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|05:44 pm] |
I understand now why someone who feels empty inside but is adored by another, runs away fearfully when the pressure begins to build. There are too many decisions to make, too much responsibility, and with the lack of trust, it can almost be impossible to function. But I have always tried, despite my intuitions. I think im now tired of trying...
I've always understood this feeling, and that is one point I make very clear to people who want to get to know me. I may be strong, but I am also fearful, so please dont hurt me. I am honest when I say I will protect rather than harm, and will love and adore instead of discard and betray. So please dont hurt be and make me lose faith...
...yet that is my weakness,
honesty.
Once they know that, they feel "safe" with me. And when they tire of the person that I am, they have more fuel to pick themselves up and find someone else to feed off of.
I am not a feeder, and I don't need anyone in my life.
Instead, I yearn for it
and when it's near,
I fear it.
I know it is almost a certain that I will remain alone for a long part of my life, only to have shadows of acquaintances and memories that praise me then torment me. Every step that I venture forward, my fear pulls me one step back. Now I have learned to think 3 to 4 steps ahead and push myself harder, it forces me into an accelerated world; one which is far extreme for a slow, uncaring and cold world.
So maybe I need to be cold and uncaring,
drop my guard and quit being so "responsible"
give into what people are used to...
...for I have been plagued with a disease.
Both physically and mentally,
I am now infected and must learn to cope.
The one's who have feared me,
have instilled this fear within me.
The one's who have said they loved me,
do not know how to love anyone but themselves.
And the one's who have said they tried,
have only "tried" to be very convincing.
I understand fear,
and I understand pain.
Now I understand this:
The one's I share this understanding with,
are usually the one's that will hurt me. |
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| This time of year |
[Dec. 5th, 2005|04:26 pm] |
is bad for me as it is,
always has been, probably always will be.
This year is no different,
maybe even worse.
With experience, come memories.
They haunt me, they make me confused.
I have nothing,
and nothing is real...
I am honest,
yet my life is a lie. |
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| I was |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|04:25 pm] |
put here to remind those who think they are untouchable
of their mortality...
...and while trying to stay in touch with my human nature,
I am forced to reckon with my immortality. |
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| Why would |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|09:42 pm] |
someone with no concience, sympathy or emotions
get so much out of intentionally hurting someone...
...who did?
I must learn from my predescessors that
in order to feel alive, you must sacrifice another. |
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| I am |
[Nov. 28th, 2005|06:10 am] |
in a bad place...
feral and jaded.
I can't seem to shake it.
This time of year is bad enough,
but the rest is just extra torment.
Heartache, abandonment, sickness...
ringing in ear, depression and possible walking pneumonia.
Funny how when things fall part,
they all fall at the same time.
Must ignore it all................................
"I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for anger and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
There is an idea of Ralski; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there." ~ American Psycho |
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| I'm in |
[Nov. 25th, 2005|07:36 pm] |
"Self Destruct" mode.
It's staying fairly safe,
but it can be wearing.
A demons wrath is never done...
...and an angels work is never appreciated.
*fold wings* |
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| Funny thing about starving yourself... |
[Nov. 19th, 2005|09:25 am] |
it's just like any affliction...
you get on the scale and tell yourself
"Ooo... i'm losing weight. I better eat more."
But you never do.
Same thing when you're hungry and you
tell yourself that you should eat...
...then you don't.
Or when you look in the mirror and say
"Uh oh, i'm getting skinny."
But then the other side of you says
"But that better than being fat. So i'll just
push it a little further just in case."
I drink alot of fluids tho. Mainly water throughout
the day, and save the booze for the weekends.
But when I do drink, everything in excess
you know. I've actually cut down alot since the
"cloud" has been lifted from my world.
But what is this new affliction that rears it's
ugly head?
Oh yeah, insecurity.
The cloud left a stain.
And I used to be very insecure when I was younger
having a bad complexion, being the "big" guy,
being the smart hesher in classes with the nerds
and geeks, so neither group knew what to do
with me. I didn't fit into any mold, so I just existed.
Same thing in the outside world,
corporate america,
and even here in cyber world.
If it were up to me, i'd organize a gathering and
expense everyone on my friends list to meet and
introduce themselves, along with the few friends I
have made thusfar and search for answers while
gaining knowledge from like minds.
We do have the outlets, but it's not utilized to it's
fullest potential. Cell phones are used out of vanity,
internet is used to boost egos and explore voyeurism,
even the media has gone way out of control pushing
the limit on visual effects and advertisement schemes.
Like musicians, just because you're good doesn't mean
anyone will know about you or even care and if you don't
promote yourselves, no one will know you even exist.
But if you whore yourself around and can't produce a
final product, you've false advertised and will be laughed
at in the end.
I walk out into the world, and everyone wants to know
me. When they meet me, they feel they've known
me forever. Yeah you, we met right? When was the
last time we really connected other than posts or
replies on LJ?
I know some have and even though we might not connect
as often anymore, there's still a connection. But the
other people in my life that have come and gone keep
themselves at a distance... even though I have reached
out a bit more and tried to seal a bond.
This insecurity, this ugly feeling...
So my mind takes action and tries to fix things. I give
myself challenges and goals, wearing myself out in the
process and breaking myself down. But I have been more
aware of not letting it get too out of control by going to the
gym every once in a while and trying to eat healthy when I
do eat... finding balance in my life.
But i'm hungry. Hungry for affection, attention, understanding
and acceptance. I'm hungry for truth and honesty, a world
where people don't have to display a false image yet have
something to offer and want to pursue their achievements
while staying focused and true to initial plan.
I'm not supposed to say that because I have to live up to my
superhero image that people have painted on me. So, I march
on alone the only way I know how and hide it all inside until
someone decides to try and crack it open...
then when it blooms they are surprised at what they see.
I don't force myself on anyone, nor do I wish my torments
on my worst enemies, but I do try to make each and everyday
the best that I can. There's a fine line between what you
want, and what you need. I focus on what I need, most focus
on what they want. Then they have it, they want something else.
When I get what I need, I cherish it and utilize it to it's fullest
potential while praising how useful it was and how it helped
me get to where I am at that place and time.
But when it breaks down, I can never seem to fix it.
The ones who have done me wrong or given my more tools
to build new insecurities and search for a safer place to be
will get their share in time.
Soon they will be able to experience my loneliness...
...even when they do think they've found what they wanted
yet again, that special person they praised and took advantage
of will be in the back of their head forever but long gone.
I've never found that person in my life, only through torment
and heartache. I've found those that I can connect with and try to
build something, even if it's limited to a few common things, but
even they seem so distracted by other things that they eventually
stray and become a lost memory.
So be it.
And that's what makes me who I am.
I can't seem to find a solid foundation, everything keeps changing
around me. I know this is normal, but it's happening too fast. This
ride is sickening sometimes, and other times it is fun I must
admit. But my brain can only take so much...
...it searches like they search, but in a different way.
It is because of them that I search.
They are always in search for the "best"...
while never giving their own "best".
I thought I was the "best", but it's obvious
that i'm not.
And if i'm not,
that's when the insecurity begins all over again
and this feeling gets embedded even further...
so
I starve. |
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| Listens and feels... |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|08:50 pm] |
"Say hello again, my friends
I've got to go.
The ritual calls to me
Screams twist in harmony.
Blinding lights reveal
Thoughts that should not be
The ritual calls to me
Silent insanity...
You really thought you'd never
Be the one who bleeds
It's all so clear to me now
Why can't you see?
Revelations breaking through
The truth distorts
Untimely accident
Your precious mind is lost
Try to regain again my friend
Your sanity
The ritual calls to me
Melodic agony
You really thought you would never
Be the one who bleeds
It's all so clear to me now
Why they can't see?
Fry away your mind.
Walk behind the blind.
Kill yourself
killing time....
Oooh, what'cha gonna do
When your life is sold
To a world so cold ?
Hey, what'cha gonna say
When you're on your way
On your darkest day?
Hey!
Darkest day...
Say goodbye again, my friends
I'm coming home
The ritual calls to me
Distant reality
Unseen images expose
What I can't see
The ritual calls to me
Won't ever set me free....
You really thought you'd never
Be the one who bleeds
It's all so clear to me now
Why can't you see?
Fry away your mind
Walk behind the blind
Kill yourself
killing time." ~Testament "The Ritual"
They just don't make music like this anymore. |
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| About me. |
[Nov. 18th, 2005|05:08 pm] |
I am observant and I see things others don't bother to see.
I am sensitive and I feel things most others are numb to.
I am honest open with myself which is something most lack.
I listen and hear things that others dont pay attention to.
I try things and push myself while the rest reach out and take.
I open my heart up to these people...
because everyone praises me for being unique.
Tarzan was unique.
Superman is unique.
The Hulk is unique...
they all tried to have normal relations with people, and they each
have simplicity amongst their complex lives. Yet, people venture
into their unique world out of curiosity, then leave when they choose.
Tis a wonder why these characters are so unique...
for it is their power and strength that separates them from the rest.
So if infact I am as powerful, loving, caring, honest, open, and such
a great person as everyone tells me, then why is it at these times
that I feel so inadequate and tossed aside for something or someone
who obviously fits the mold a lot better than I?
How is it that despite my strengths, I am expected to be a superhero?
Even us superheros have feelings...
and they are super feelings that no one can comprehend.
So when someone comes into my world, stirs it up a bit and then leaves
without giving something back in return, it is then that my primal instict
is engulfed in rage and anger, and my determination to rid the earth of
filth becomes priority. |
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ralski's journal