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Ralski's Brain

Art Can't Hurt You

My new playground. Stop on by and say Hi!
Hawk
ralski
http://www.facebook.com/chris.r.amesquita

Friends
Hawk
ralski
Where do all the friends go
when there’s no one left around?

Girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends too,
gone without a sound?

Maybe that’s the time to find
a new place to reside,

maybe that’s the place where
all the others ran to hide.

No one wants to make decisions
everyone’s afraid.

They all have tools,
obey the fools
and that is where they stay.

But I can not stay here no more
where everything just dies.

Those who call me “friend” today
could soon say otherwise.

And I can not forgive those
who have riddled me with pain,

they can stay and juxtapose,
I will just abstain.

I must follow my own dreams
without too much concern,

for people who have falsified
the friendship they’ve discerned.

I miss
Hawk
ralski
my kitty.

What next?
Hawk
ralski
RIP Jinxter
04/20/2001 - 08/15/2006





Im used to sacrifice...

Lovers come and go,
as do pets, family and friends.

Jobs may be hard to find,
and sometimes even harder to keep.

And dependant on your income,
money can almost be non existant
as you try to get through life
with money you dont have.

The other day was rough, really rough.
But I know it can always be worse.

My kitty had a tendency to get spooked
easily, and im sure a lot of his personality
had to do with the fact that he was a
stray and more than likely a bit feral.

He had attacked me twice before after
being spooked as well as my stepdad
and Haley's dad, but never Haley...

...until the other night.

Long story short, we had made a concious
decision after his last attack on me that
we would try and make the best out of things
to try and adjust, but if he attacked again
then we would have no choice to resolve
the situation....

So after being awoken by blood curdling screams
in the middle of the night and seeing my best
friend covered in blood with a look of intense fear
on her face, I knew exactly what was happening
because I had experienced it twice before.

But I think she got the worst of it...

Needless to say, after all of our attempts to
make the best out of a bad situation, we had
to make a decision to relieve him of his pain.
It was a hard call to make, but it was the best
for all of us.

Now he can rest peacefully without being
tormented in his little kitty head, and I dont
have to walk around in fear while feeling
misunderstood and teased that I was attacked
by "just a cat."

But now there is even more evidence that
sometimes what I say is not exaggerated.
I wish I had more "proof" to explain more
of these torments that haunt my life. There
are so many scars and wounds that still have
yet to heal, and sometimes I wonder if they
ever will. Other times I realize these open
wounds are re-infected with a new disease, and
I blindly allow the virus to invade my world.

I am working on that...

...but in the end I know that sacrifice is important
when moving forward. In order to gain something,
you have to be willing to make a sacrifice. At times
the lines may get crossed when trying to define what
it is that you want. You may have to sacrifice what
you already have in order to reach for what you really
want, and sometimes that can be very hard to cope with.

So I know a little something about "sacrifice", and this
was just another chapter in my unpublished Bible of life.

I hope you all take a close look at what you have, and
realize that what you may additionally "want" could infact
effect what you already "have". So unless you are ready to
make a sacrifice, I suggest you cherish what you have
because it may not be there tomorrow.

And even if it doesn't "cherish" you back, just know that
you are a better person for being aware of it and trying
to adapt while preparing yourself to accept the outcome...

...whatever that may be.

I am overly prepared at times, and I think maybe that
is my "gift". I knew this day would come, and so I prepared.
I've done it with ex girlfriends, past jobs, and even simple
little things that I was suspicious about...

... but i'm just so blinded by the sacrifices that it's heard
to see the accomplishments.

I am a Phoenix arisen. I burn to the ground every 500 days,
but from beneath the ashes a new life is born and ready to
explore this concrete desert.

Believe it.

Oh yeah...
Hawk
ralski
I have a heart condition.

I've been in and out of the doctors of the past few weeks testing my heart, and come to find that there is a reason for all of my episodes. What I mean by that is if you know me, i've been known to pass out for no reason over the years, and it's actually been an ongoing thing since childhood, but moreso in my adult years.

Anywho, i've had issues with heart palpitations for the past few years, and sometimes it felt like it was skipping a beat. Well I just found out last week that I have a condition with one of my valves that doesn't function properly. So when my heart is beating normal, at any given time it can accellerate by almost a third instantly, last a fraction of a second, and then go back to a normal beat. Kinda like a TURBO BOOST of beats.

It's nothing to be TOO concerned about they say. They gave me heart medication that I guess I have to be on for the rest of my life, but I dunno...

Im so flustered with health issues that this is just one of several that I know will be my demise. So I must enjoy life as much as I can, and I intend to.

Im rarely here these daze...
Hawk
ralski
cause im over at MySpace now.

www.myspace.com/ralski

My profile has been updated, and here it be for your reading pleasure:

I am an exotic blend of "good guy" meets "bad boy". I've been around the block a few times leading a very diverse lifestyle, and so I can blend into pretty much any situation. But I am also very particular about how I spend my time. I am a demon to some and an angel to others all rolled up into one complex individual.

I am a musician (drummer) first and foremost, and you will always see or hear me drumming on something because I need music around me wherever I go. Also, I am currently in the process of finalizing my personal business plan. I figured I might as well include all of the things I’ve grown passionate about including writing, music, visual arts and cognitive thinking. Check out more at http://www.totalmhre.com.

Philosophy is more appealing to me than Psychology, and structured education is not as rewarding as "hands on" experience. I enjoy delving into the world of like-minds, be it chaotic or serene. My goal is to maintain a happy and peaceful state of mind, yet be aware and cautious of the evils around me. I can not be persuaded to join a life in which I was already born, so for those who have a need to tap into the darkness, I seek refuge in the light, the simple pleasures...

I'm not much of a party animal anymore, but I do know how to have fun. If the time is right, it will always be a night to remember. I am not a follower, nor am I a leader. I like to think of myself as a guide for others. Through these streets that I've ventured upon, my words are merely fragments of my reality. If others can get something out of it, the ripple effect takes place and the message gets across. My reality is not reality...

I enjoy sharing thoughts and ideas, and a common ground is worth building upon. Anything else is of a lesser priority and I am learning to adjust myself accordingly. I can get easily sidetracked, so trust is always an issue. And although I try to be cautious and observant, my compassionate nature always gets the better of me. Hence why I am a skittish pup with a powerful bite. Beware the fury of a patient man...

My life has been interesting to say the least, and fulfilling at the same time. Some may wonder why this world relies on meds for depression, anxiety and stress. It's because this world is in disarray. I am a perfect example of a survivor, yet man made chemicals for a man made disease does not offer me a solution or cure. Therefore, I fight through the chaos with a sharp mind and a witty tongue. I am determined and honest to my cause, something which seems dormant in today's world. If anything, some of my views are a target to be silenced. Not everyone will understand the flurry of riddled words, but those who attempt to translate the abstract have already showed more character than most.

Some have considered me a "nice guy" while several of those same people have tried to test my boundaries despite my heeded warnings. Many have fallen into the abyss of memories lost, while others have witnessed my journey from their perspective. Those are the stories I find most intriguing, and the one's I call my "friends".

As I stated before, my words are just a fragment of my own experiences, and to most I am very "interesting". To me, life is about taking chances, experiencing both good and bad, and challenging yourself to face obstacles while having fun with the madness rather than hide from it. There is a fine line between good and bad, and I live on that line.

The struggle is the glory.

Self Realization 101
Hawk
ralski
I am a
complex mind in a simple world,

while most are
simple minds in a complex world. ~ Ralski 2006

Privacy
Hawk
ralski
I think it is time.

*Friends Only***

for 2006

If you want to read my journal, leave a message here.

(NIN) Nothing Is New...
Hawk
ralski
"I'm becoming less defined
as days go by

Fading away
Well you might say
I'm losing focus

Kinda drifting into the abstract
in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes
I think I can see
right through myself

Less concerned
about fitting into the world
Your world that is...

Because it doesn't really matter
None of this really matters anymore.

Yes I'm alone
but then again I always was

As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
you never were really real to begin with

I just made you up
to hurt myself.

And it worked.

Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me.
There is no you
There is only me.
There is no fucking you,
There is only me!

Only...

The tiniest little dot caught my eye
and it turned out to be scab
and I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it was something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone,
picking at that scab
Was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through...

Now I am somehwere I am not supposed to be,
and I can see things I knew
I really shouldn't see

And now I know why
(yea now I know why)
Things aren't as pretty
on the inside...

There is no you
There is only me!" ~ Rez

Who understands "loss"?
Hawk
ralski
I do.

We mourn the loss of a loved one, and in their death we feel a sadness and sometimes even regret. We tell ourselves "Maybe we didn't spend enough time with them or pay attention to them as much as we could have. Maybe we didn't treat them as they should have been treated..."

Then there's the loss of a pet. The bond with a pet is more unconditional, so the loss can sometimes seem even greater than the loss of a loved one. Their devoted admiration even when you might have neglected them makes your mind soars with memories and fond moments that can not be shared or relived again with your bestest four legged friend.

Then there is heartbreak. Some say they can not live without their loved one, and the thought of them being with someone else is devastating. The difference here is that there is no death involved, just a decision that leads one to abandon the other. One is left with a journey to fulfill, while the other is left with only a memory.

Have you ever been fired? Even the loss of a job can be a tough thing to overcome, especially if it leaves a negative mark on your employee record. If the circumstances were unjust or you were treated unfairly, even an explanation to a prospective employer could sound like an invalid excuse. Imagine what it feels like in a relationship?

Someone who has been physically abused has their physical being torn apart from them, and those who have been shot at or held up at knife point just because someone thought their life is not worth anything suffer for the rest of their lives with a loss of trust or identity. These things happen on a day to day basis, and most go unheard of as the corporate puppeteers dance to the tune of money and greed.

Where is the compassion?

Where is the courtship or the long time invested in believing in someones ability, and what is the value of life and where is the understanding that pain comes in many forms? Where is the loyalty to one another as human beings, or the determination to overcome all obstacles and make a better life for each other? Where is the hope?

Is all hope lost?

I understand loss...